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Post by Katrina on Jan 20, 2011 12:54:04 GMT 1
This story is possibly going one or two ways and I'm not totally sure which one I am going to follow yet so please stick with it while I try to work that out.
Part 1
Zara Carmichael gave a happy contented sigh. For once she was exactly where she wanted to be and it felt good. It wasn’t that her life had been overly difficult but it hadn’t been a bed of roses either and now she was in a good place and she couldn’t quite believe her luck.
It wasn’t that she was doing anything out of the ordinary. In fact today was pretty much exactly the same as every other day. She was sitting in the staff area of the Mill Health Centre as Julia read out a staff briefing. She wasn’t really paying all that much attention to what was being said but she could guess the main points.
Out of the corner of her eye she could see the glazed expressions on the faces of many of her colleagues telling her that they too had probably got to the stage where they had switched off from what was being talked about and were instead contemplating more important things. It was only really Heston and Mrs Tembe who appeared to be still taking quite an interest. Even Julia herself was looking disinterested which didn’t really bode well.
“And of course we will soon be losing Zara” the mention of her own name brought Zara back to attention and she looked up at Julia as if expecting to be chastised. She could feel her colleagues shifting around her at the sound of a familiar name.
“Yes of course” Heston added nodded and giving Zara a warm smile. She breathed again knowing that it obviously wasn’t anything too terrible. She tried to force her mind to concentrate and recall the words Julia had said before her name but they just wouldn’t come to her. She cursed herself silently. Julia had now turned to her and seemed to be expecting some sort of response. Deciding to play it safe she nodded her head in a slightly non-committed type of way in the hope that it would be enough.
“How much longer is it now Zara?” Julia asked with interest and Zara’s eyes lit up in a way they never had before. She wrapped a protective arm around her growing belly and smiled up at her colleague.
“29 weeks today” she answered brightly. Her colleagues all murmured various comments which she took in with a smile and a feeling of great pride but without really registering the individual words. Her pregnancy was something of a miracle to her and she was drinking in and trying to enjoy every single moment because she had fought so hard to get here. When she had received the positive test result part of her had wanted to shout it from the rooftops and let everybody know that she, Zara Carmichael, was pregnant but the more cautious side to her had decided otherwise. She had kept everything secret until she was nearly four months gone.
“D’you know if it’s a girl or a boy yet?” Cherry asked from her position perched near Jimmi. He was looking rather uncomfortable and Zara felt like suppressing a laugh at that. She rubbed her belly and thought for a moment about whether or not to tell her colleagues. She had known the baby’s gender for weeks now and had enjoyed having that special little secret between just her and her child but there was another part of her that wanted to tell. For once she decided to let that part take over.
“I’m having a girl” she beamed and was awarded more congratulatory remarks from her colleagues all it had to be said apart from Daniel who was shifting uncomfortably and trying not to show it but Zara could see it was his forced, fixed smile and not his genuine one.
“A girl” Karen said wistfully and then turning to Zara “Any names yet?” Zara shifted slightly, feeling a little bit uncomfortable herself but not really knowing why. She rubbed her belly a little more.
“She’s called Beth” she twisted her mouth slightly “Well I’m going to call her Beth but whether she’ll actually be registered as Beth or if that’ll be her nickname is another matter” she sighed. She wasn’t sure why she was telling everyone this. It seemed very unlike her but then she had been acting strangely later anyway.
“Beth is a good, strong name” was Mrs Tembe’s contribution to the conversation and Zara gave her a warm smile. Beth was a name that had just come to her and she couldn’t really explain where it had come from but try as she might she couldn’t attach any other name to her daughter. She closed her eyes for a second as a strange sensation passed over her and then opened them when it passed.
“I” she started to say something although she didn’t know what it was going to be. Suddenly she wasn’t feeling well at all and all the joviality slipped out of her body and she felt all together quite strange. She shifted her seat slightly wondering perhaps if she was getting stiff from sitting but instead felt something wet and almost sticky beneath her.
“Zara?” Numerous voices around her spoke her name full of concern for her but she shook her head and waited a second before she spoke.
“I, I” she tried to speak again but her voice was shaking. “I think my waters have broke” finally her sentence came out in a shaky jumbled mess but the words were out and she felt the joviality drain from the room as well as from herself. Slowly she forced herself to stand and as she did so she heard the audible gasps of horror from her colleagues and looking down at her seat she saw why. Bright red blood stained the seat where she had sat.
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Post by Katrina on Jan 23, 2011 23:10:00 GMT 1
I was going to post this update tomorrow (I have a few parts written now) but am doing it tonight as probably won't have time before work. I hope you enjoy it and thanks for the comments. Part 2Everything happened so fast after the moment when Zara realised she was bleeding. In the memories of everyone there everything became blurred so much so that nobody knew who called the ambulance. Nobody could remember how they had tried to reassure and calm Zara in the time before the ambulance arrived and how those minutes seemed to stretch like an eternity. Nobody could remember much really apart from the overwhelming sense of panic and devastation at the events that had occurred. As she was loaded in to the ambulance with Julia by her side and the promise by her colleagues to follow on – for the surgery was already closed, Zara was desperately pleading for the life of her unborn daughter. Her pleas were so heart wrenching that Julia found herself swallowing heavily many times as she tried to reassure her younger colleague all the while feeling completely and utterly out of her depth. Upon arrival at the hospital everything seemed to more a lightning speed. Time seemed to move at a breakneck pace which just served to make everything even more frightening for Zara in her already muddled and dizzy state. Within only a short time of being admitted to the hospital, Zara found herself being wheeled down to the theatre in order to have a crash c-section. At the mere thought of it everything inside of her constricted. To think of her Beth being born at just 29 weeks was something which terrified. She, of course, had heard stories of babies born earlier than her daughter and surviving but even so she knew all of the risks far more than most and it terrified her. It was Julia who waited for news of her colleague and Julia who had to tell the rest of the Mill staff what was happening when they all began to arrive at the hospital. Everybody was grave and sober faced and stood stiffly while trying to contain emotions which fought to break the surface. Even the normally bubbly Cherry seemed to have lost all of her fizz and sparkle. There was little conversation as nobody knew what words to use or even what could be said. But perhaps the saddest sight of all was that of Daniel Granger. The lanky dark hair doctor seemed to have lost all of his bluster and was instead pressed straight backed in to the wall as if hoping he could disappear in to it. His relationship with Zara had been difficult over the last year and now it was truly hitting him that there was a very real possibility that he could lose her forever. It was little more than 20 minutes later when a nurse appeared out of the doorway looking for those concerned with Zara. She looked grave and solemn which was at odds with how young she appeared. Everyone bustled towards her and she looked to Julia for confirmation that she could talk to the assorted bunch rather than just the one person. Julia gave a short curt nod and the nurse nodded her understanding. “Dr Carmichael is still in theatre but we have successfully delivered her daughter and she is on her way to the special care unit. She’s quite small” the nurse said but she gave them a small smile as if offering them a little flicker of hope in what was turning out to be quite a dark day. The nurse said a little more before making her way back in to the theatre. “Welcome to the world Beth Carmichael” Julia said softly, looking slightly upwards as if something or someone could carry her words to the baby girl who was being cared for somewhere in the hospital. “welcome to the world Beth” came a chorus of soft voices. Nobody noticed that Daniel’s voice was not one of those nor did they notice that he had slipped away from the corridor. Daniel moved slowly through the hospital. He had been here enough times and knew that layout pretty well but even his mind was exactly with it. Still he found himself at the special care baby unit. He didn’t know why he had come here or even if he would be wanted here but something had compelled him. Perhaps it was the idea of baby Beth being here all alone when he couldn’t stomach the idea of his Isobel being in the same situation. He didn’t know how he was going to get in. He wasn’t really family but he didn’t want the baby to be alone. If anything happened to her, she deserved to have someone with her and he knew Zara would want that. With a shaking hand he pressed the buzzer button and spoke to the nurse on duty. He wasn’t sure what he said or how he did it – he seemed to slip on to an auto pilot that found the words and then the door was buzzed open and he was admitted. Inside he got himself taken to the place where Beth was being cared for. He hadn’t quite prepared himself for seeing her though. The baby was tiny and already covered in tubes and wires connected to various bleeping machines – all of which he avoided looking at. Looking at the tiny, fragile little baby he felt tears prick his eyes. This wasn’t right, none of this was right.
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Post by Katrina on Jan 27, 2011 15:17:47 GMT 1
Part 3
Zara’s surgery, however, didn’t seem to be making much progress. The delivery of the baby had happened in a relatively short space of time and then had come to battle to stop the bleeding. Finally they were able to close her up and transfer her back to the ICU. The Mill staff, minus Daniel whose disappearance nobody could explain, were there waiting for her. They had already decided that they would take it in turns to sit with Zara so that she would have somebody with her when she woke up which happened when Julia was sitting in the room with her while some of the others had gone down to get some coffee and something to eat because it had been rather a long night so far. Zara’s felt muddled and disorientated and her throat was scratchy.
“Beth?” She managed to sort of croak the word out. She felt Julia take hold of her hand and the gentle squeeze of her fingers as she did so. Zara tried to turn her head to look at her colleague but she couldn’t quite find the strength to do it yet.
“She’s in SCBU” Julia said softly and a tear slipped down Zara’s cheek. She had known the second the fog began to clear that she was no longer pregnant but there was a sweet relief that came from knowing that her daughter was alive.
“Seen her?” she croaked the words again. Her throat was raspy and dry and her body was begin to feel pain rather than a fuzzy sort of nothingness. Julia squeezed her hand again.
“No not yet. We waited to see if you were alright” Julia answered, feeling more than a little bit guilty about the fact she hadn’t sent anyone to be with Beth. She should have known that Zara would have wanted that – as a mother she should have known that.
“You get me a photo?” Zara said, her voice rasping as she tried to force out a sentence. All of her thoughts were now consumed with the baby daughter she knew was somewhere in this hospital. The baby daughter who was all of her own and fighting for her life. Julia was squeezing her hand again.
“Of course I will” Julia responded and she closed her own eyes for a second trying to prepare herself. She already knew that the baby was going to be tiny but she still wasn’t entirely sure what it would be like seeing such a tiny baby and all that medical equipment. Out of the glass doorway, Julia saw that Karen had appeared. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll go and see Beth and Karen’ll stay with you for a bit”
“Ok” Zara said and Julia stood giving Zara’s hand a final squeeze before stepping out of the room. She spoke only briefly to Karen telling her what she was going to do. Karen gave her a small smile and felt a bit of relief that it was Julia and not her who was being faced with a visit to SCBU.
Julia moved slowly through the hospital but all to quickly found herself in the SCBU unit. She felt her pocket and with a sigh of relief realised she did have her mobile phone and as such a camera. She pressed the buzzer and waited until she was allowed in. She was absolutely shocked to find herself greeted by Daniel, almost as soon as she had stepped in to the main area. He gave her a small wave and she stepped towards him.
“We didn’t know where you’d gone?” She whispered at him and he gave her a small look which she couldn’t exactly describe. He took hold of her hand.
“I didn’t think the baby should be alone. Zara?” he asked. She gave him a small smile and allowed herself to be led towards the incubator where Beth was.
“She’s out of surgery and awake. She wanted me to come get a photo of Beth” she said in a rush. Daniel nodded and squeezed Julia’s hand as they came to a stop by Beth. Julia gave a slight gasp as she saw the baby and felt emotions welling up inside of her. The memories of her own children’s births stirred in her mind. “How’s Beth?”
“She’s small but she’s doing as well as can be expected” was Daniel’s response which Julia had to admit was pretty diplomatic and didn’t really give away anything. Julia summoned a nurse to get the ok to use her phone for a photo only to be told that it wasn’t really allowed what with all of the equipment. Instead the nurse went off for a second and return with a small Polaroid camera which made Julia smile. It was little things like this she supposed that made things a little easier for parents. There were so many wires though and Julia couldn’t see how even the nurse would be able to get a good angle in order to get a good photo of the baby to show Zara. But somehow the nurse managed it with what appeared to be very little effort and Julia expressed her gratitude as best she could.
“She’s beautiful” Julia said softly, looking at the photograph in her hands. Daniel was studying it too and he felt a tug at his heart.
“of course she’s beautiful – Zara’s her mother” he said softly and almost regretted it the moment he said the words. Julia gave him a curious expression but said nothing. Instead she squeezed his hand and whispered her goodbyes to him before heading back up to Zara.
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Post by Katrina on Feb 2, 2011 13:53:25 GMT 1
Thank you for any comments Part 4It broke Zara’s heart to see the photograph of her tiny daughter. She cursed herself silently and with an inner fury as she blamed herself for what had happened. She had fought so hard to have her daughter – from the injections in order to get her body to a state where there was a chance an embryo would take to the sperm donor clinics where she had studied numerous pages detailing countless men in order to pick the one who seemed most qualified to father her child. It pained her to say the qualities she had looked for could also have been found in one man she knew in particular. And then there had been the weeks she had waited after the implantation the desperate limbo she had felt at not knowing whether or not she was actually pregnant. She had let herself believe it wasn’t going to happen. She had convinced herself that she wasn’t going to be pregnant. After all how often did anything good happen to Zara Carmichael. But then she’d had the positive result. She had almost wondered if her grasp of the English language had failed her and she no longer knew the difference between positive and negative but finally the rational part of her had kicked in. She was pregnant and she had been happy. But she should have known better than to trust her own body. She saw that now. When had it ever done her any favours before? She had let herself get complacent. And now Beth was paying for it. Little Beth was fighting for her life and she didn’t even have her mum there with her. She had nobody there to hold her tiny hand or to whisper soft words to her. She couldn’t even do that right. She hadn’t been able to carry her daughter to term and now she was here she couldn’t even be there with her. Hot angry tears sprang in to Zara’s eyes and began to fall before she had chance to stop them. More fury bubbled inside her at the weakness she was showing in front of Julia and Karen. Karen shouldn’t even have been here and Zara could see the pain in the older woman’s eyes as her eyes darted around the room. Karen’s baby would have been have been about six months old now. He or she could have been a little playmate for Beth. For a second Zara closed her eyes as more tears threatened to overcome her. Perhaps that would still happen. Maybe baby Hollins would be up there waiting for Beth and to look after her. “You can’t blame yourself for this Zara” She heard Julia’s voice coming from beside her and she opened her eyes. Julia’s voice was warm and soft and Zara could almost feel herself melting in to it. It was the type of voice Zara had often longed to hear – an almost mothering voice. “Can’t I?” she couldn’t help but answer back and she could feel her eyebrow arching itself questioningly almost against her will. She wasn’t sure where or why this attitude was coming out now but she couldn’t help it. “No” The answer came sternly and Zara felt herself shrink back a little. She raised a shaking hand to her face and rubbed it over her eyes as if that would clear the haze that seemed to be settling over her. Zara turned her attention back to the photo. She tried to study her daughter. She had always imagined the first moment she held her baby after birth to be a magical one where she would study every little inch of that little body committing it to memory. She was determined she would remember every wrinkle of skin and every strand of hair. But the photo didn’t allow her that moment. The quality wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great either. It had been taken from an angle to best disguise the multitude of medical tubes and wires but all that accomplished was getting a photo which showed very little of the baby and that was what Zara longed to see. “She’s looks so helpless” Zara said softly, allowing her finger to trail the outline of her daughter’s face on the photo. She hated that she couldn’t do anything to make things better. In all actuality she felt pretty helpless herself but she didn’t want to let on about that. Instead she tried taken deep steadying breaths to distract herself. She hated feeling weak and she hated not being able to take control over a situation. But she also knew she had to take care of herself too. She needed to get herself strong and well in order for her to be able to give Beth everything she would ever need. “She’s very small but she’s going as well as can be expected” Julia repeated the words that Daniel had told her hoping they would offer some form of comfort to Zara. She hadn’t yet mentioned that Daniel was down in the SCBU unit watching over Beth in an incredibly protective manner. Julia wasn’t sure how Zara would take that news and she wasn’t going to rock the boat quite yet – not with Zara so weak. Zara nodded slightly but her eyes sparkled a little more and Julia sighed. She should have known Zara wouldn’t have fallen totally for that stock line that Daniel had fed her. Zara had a doctors brain. “If she’s anything like you, she’ll be giving them all the run around down there” Karen said with a small smile trying to lighten the mood. She was feeling rather heavy hearted herself thinking not totally of Zara and Beth but also of her baby. Julia smiled herself thinking for a moment that havoc that could be caused by a child with Zara’s personality. She could almost imagine the power battles that were going to occur. But Zara seemed to be immune from this brief moment of amusement. Her features had tensed in her face and the little colour she had, had drained away leaving her ashen. “Help” she managed to say before her consciousness slipped away.
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Post by Katrina on Feb 5, 2011 20:36:07 GMT 1
This part is only short because I don’t feel at all confident trying to write theatre scenes. Hopefully all other parts should be pretty consistent in length.
Part 5
“She’s bleeding heavily” Doctor Kemp said as he stood trying to stem the bleeding. Zara had been rushed back down to the theatre within minutes of Julia raising the alarm that she was once again haemorrhaging. There had been a great deal of blood loss and the doctors weren’t entirely sure how she had held out that long before losing consciousness.
“Her heart rates weak and her pulse is thready” the anaesthetist spoke turning from looking at the monitors to the doctors who were performing the surgery. The doctors and nurses turned towards the monitors and almost as if wanting to give them something to look at the monitors began to bleep more steadily as the line on the screen changed. It was then that the doctors started to try to return Zara’s heart to its normal rhythm while still trying to stop the bleeping. Finally her heart rate began to rise and the doctors breathed a slight sigh.
“The bleeding’s not letting up” Doctor Maxwell said trying to work out just what the next plan of action was. He looked up in to the grave face of Doctor Kemp as unspoken words passed between them. Neither one wanted to have to speak the words but they both knew what was potentially on the cards here.
Still the doctors and nurses fought on trying to prevent the worst case scenario occurring. However, the surgery’s difficulty didn’t let up. The bleeding continued despite all methods to control it and as a result Zara’s vitals were becoming much harder to maintain and there were moments where they feared that they were going to lose her only for her to pull back at the last minute. Finally the two doctors eyes met over the patient.
“We have no other option” Doctor Maxwell said shaking his head slightly. He hated doing this especially when the patient had been given any prior warning but he knew that in order to save her life they were going to have to do this. Doctor Maxwell knew that in the SCBU there was a baby girl who desperately needed the lady on his table.
“No” was the only answer Doctor Kemp gave as he prepared himself. He said a silent apology to the lady on the table. At least, he told himself, she was a doctor herself and would understand just why this had, had to happen. But he knew that even so it would be no less easy to tell her – he wouldn’t have to simplify it so much but the words would still be hard to speak.
And with that Doctors Kemp and Maxwell along with the scrub nurses started to perform an emergency hysterectomy on Zara Carmichael.
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Post by Katrina on Mar 8, 2011 22:07:40 GMT 1
Opps. I really thought I had posted this as I am a few parts a head on my computer. I've no idea how I managed to miss posting it.
Part 6
Down in the SCBU Daniel was still protectively watching over Beth and was completely unaware of the drama which was taking place upstairs. Since leading Julia to Beth’s incubator he hadn’t left the baby girl’s side and had no immediate plans to do so. So far he had seen numerous nurses come to take Beth’s obs and had noted each time what they were, trying to commit the information to memory. He was almost certain that Zara would want to know these things later. He couldn’t help but wonder how Julia had coped with Zara’s questioning and he hoped that he had given Julia enough information. Each time the nurse came by he had so far been pleased to know that Beth’s obs were remaining stable even though they weren’t quite as good as they could have been for a baby of her size and gestation.
“Mr Granger, Julia Parsons wants to see you” The nurse, whose name was Chloe, said appearing by his side. He gave her a small smile and nodded to tell her it was ok for Julia to come over. It wasn’t Chloe who had seen Julia before but another nurse whose name he couldn’t recall. He supposed given time Zara would become familiar with every nurse and doctor who worked in this ward as Beth took the long journey towards going home.
“Daniel” Julia sounded so tired and when he turned to look at her she appeared to have aged a great deal in the short time since he had last seen her. Instantly his heart sank in his chest and he realised that the news couldn’t be good. Everything about her told him that.
“Zara?” He choked out her name and tried to force himself not to get prematurely emotional. He had to be strong right now even though everything was tearing him to absolute pieces.
“She’s been rushed back to theatre” Julia said in a rush. As she spoke the words her shoulders seemed to sink lower and she seemed much shorter. Daniel felt himself deflated as he tried to process the words.
“why? You said she was doing ok?” He said, trying to stop his voice from shaking. He sent up a silent prayer even though he wasn’t normally religious. Zara had to get through this. Beth needed her so much and as much as he hated to admit it so did he but Beth’s need was greater. Zara was the only person that Beth really had in this world given there was no real father involved with her conception.
“I really thought she was but she didn’t tell us anything was wrong until it was too late. She’s too stubborn for her own good” Julia said quietly “she’s lost a lot of blood again” she added. Daniel shook his head. He could quite imagine Zara trying to be strong but he also knew how stupid that was of her.
“She’s a fighter though” Daniel said forcing himself to stay positive. Julia herself nodded but he heard her making a sniffing noise as if she was forcing back tears. She took a deep shuddery breath.
“How’s little Beth?” She asked hoping for some slightly better news to take back up to her colleagues. They were all in various states of exhaustion and could be found collapsed against chairs in the ICU staff room or one of the family room depending on where there was room for them. She was dreading having to send them to work tomorrow but it wasn’t like she could close to surgery. She would only really be able to do that if, she shuddered at the thought, the worst happened and she prayed it wouldn’t.
“The same. She’s stable but the next 24 hours are pretty critical and she won’t be out of the woods for a long while yet” he said shaking his head. There was a long fight ahead for all of them and it was going to take a lot of adjusting too.
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Post by Katrina on Mar 9, 2011 22:40:09 GMT 1
Part 7
In total Zara’s surgery lasted almost six hours due to the complications that arose. During the surgery she had received so much blood products the hospital had had to rush emergency supplies over from neighbouring hospitals. But finally she was taken back to the intensive care unit.
By the time she started to come round from her surgery, Julia was the only one of the Mill’s staff still in the ICU unit – although Daniel was still in SCBU. She had sent the rest of the staff back to the surgery with instructions to hold down the fort for her because she didn’t think Zara should be alone.
As she awoke from her surgery Zara found herself gagging as a result on the tube which was down her throat. She awoke feeling very strange and not being able to understand why. Her mind was slightly foggy and she desperately tried to fight past that in order to make sense of just what was going on. Beth. The first clear thought entered her mind and she felt herself struggle that little bit more in to consciousness. She wished she could bring an image of her daughter to mind but she just couldn’t. She couldn’t drag the blurry photograph in to her mind.
“Zara, just relax” She felt Julia take hold of her hand and squeeze it a little but she couldn’t yet make her out. Everything was just so bright to her eyes. She didn’t feel that she could relax though. She had to struggle just that little bit harder. Then there was another voice. It was a male voice and one she didn’t recognise. It was a nice voice though. He was talking to her in such a reassuring way that she couldn’t help but trust him. Slowly the brightness in her eyes cleared a little bit and she could just about make out his face in front of her eyes. He was removing the tube now and she was relieved. She gagged a little as it came out. But she relaxed a little once it was removed.
“Zara” The doctor repeated her name again and she blinked bringing him more in to focus. She gave him a weak smile. She felt Julia give her hand another squeeze and she turned to look at her colleague. The expression on her face was one which Zara was sure was going to haunt her for a long time to come.
“Beth?” She croaked the word. Her throat dry and sore and scratchy. She was still looking at Julia, not entirely sure what to expect. Her expression told a story that Zara wasn’t sure she wanted to hear. Zara saw Julia look over at the doctor waiting for something before turning back to face her.
“She’s doing ok. I went to see her when you were in theatre” Julia said and Zara couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. But there was still something nagging in her head. The expression couldn’t have been for nothing. Feeling was returning slowly to her but there was something else that she couldn’t quite work out. “Zara, the doctor needs to talk to you” she heard Julia swallow hard and she couldn’t help but feel emotional at the motherly tone she was using.
“ok” she croaked and turned her head slowly back to face the doctor. She felt Julia grip her hand and she tried to draw strength from that.
“Zara, when we took you in to theatre you were bleeding extremely heavily and during the operation we found it very difficult to stem the bleeding successfully. You received several units of blood throughout the surgery” The doctor took a deep breath. This was never going to be an easy moment and he was absolutely dreading it. Especially knowing that she was a doctor and understood every word he was saying. “Zara, in order to stop the bleeding we had to perform an emergency hysterectomy”
In that moment everything in Zara’s world seemed to freeze. She wasn’t sure what was happening. The world hysterectomy rattled around in her brain. Her brain tried to process it and break it down. It understood the word but it couldn’t work out how to attach it to her. This just didn’t seem real. But when she turned to look at Julia she knew it was. And then everything seemed to hit her at once.
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Post by Katrina on Mar 16, 2011 14:30:26 GMT 1
Part 8
In the hours that followed the news being broken, Zara wasn’t really sure what was happening. She was vaguely aware of Julia, at one point in time, wiping the streaks of tears away from her face. It was a gesture so warm and motherly that it almost melted Zara to her core. She knew that in any normal circumstances Julia would not have felt it her place to be able to do that but in those hours normal roles didn’t seem to apply at all. The Zara in the hospital bed wasn’t the Zara that everyone had come to know.
Zara was also vaguely aware of the comings and goings of various colleagues throughout those hours. She didn’t remember who had come and in what order they had arrived but she knew they had come because of the cards that decorated the cabinet beside her bed. She was certain that Julia would have told them - that the older woman would have used hushed tones with the threat of her cracking tingeing her words. She didn’t quite know the words that Julia would have used – just as she couldn’t quite imagine herself knowing the right words to tell people.
In fact in those hazy hours where her mind was trying to protect her by shutting itself off as much as possible the only thing that she was able to grab on to concretely was the dancing image of her daughter before her eyes. She could almost, if she turned towards the window, see the name Beth spelled out in the stars that dotted the night sky. Her daughter, she told herself, was now a day old. But that didn’t seem right somehow. Her entire world had shifted on its axis and yet it had happened so quickly that she hadn’t felt it slipping until it was too late. Too much seemed to have happened for it to have only have been 24 hours.
More than anything in the world she wanted to see her daughter. She wanted to feel her skin against her own in order to know that she truly existed. So much had been taken away from her that she needed to know that the most precious part of her was still here and that she wasn’t just a dream. She needed to know that she hadn’t dreamed the presence of Beth. ~~
“Mr Granger” Another of the nurses came up to Daniel as he stood in the SCBU unit. He didn’t recognise her but then that could have been the fact that he was practically dead on his feet. She gave him a warm smile.
“Yes” he said, trying to force his eyes to focus on her name badge but found that it was still blurring in front of his eyes even after blinking a few times. She didn’t even bat an eyelid at this and he knew that she seen so many people stood here practically sleeping while they stood.
“You have a phone call” She said softly with only the hint of confusion in her voice. He glanced down at the incubator where Beth lay and he felt himself torn for a moment. He turned back to her and she gave him another smile.
“She’ll be fine for a moment” The nurse said warmly. And Daniel nodded although part of him felt an intense guilt at leaving. Still he stepped out in to the nurse station and was promptly handed a phone. He brought the receiver to his ear and found himself heaving a deep sigh when he realised just who was calling.
“What on earth are you doing?” Lisa’s voice was shrill down the phone. He could hear the angry that was seething within her and he almost moved the phone a little bit away from his ear as if that could protect him.
“I” he tried to explain himself but he couldn’t find the words. It seemed impossible to him to have to find words to explain to Lisa just why he was standing in a special care baby unit watching over a baby who didn’t really have anything to do with him but that he felt this incredible connection with.
“Daniel – your daughter is at home asking for her daddy. Isobel needs you here and yet you are there with that Zara and a child who isn’t even yours” then he heard a sharp intake of breath and could almost hear angry bubbling in Lisa’s throat “My god Daniel don’t tell me that the woman’s baby is yours? Because if you utter those words I promise you, you won’t be seeing Isobel”
“She isn’t mine Lisa” he said and even he could detect a hint of sadness in his words. He had heard Zara say something similar about Izzie once but when she had spoken he had tried to ignore the hint of pain in her words. But he couldn’t ignore it now. They both felt connections to the others child.
“Then come home and see your daughter” He could tell that she wanted to add and me but that she held back. Their relationship was a strange one and he didn’t quite understand it. He knew he didn’t love Lisa or at least not in the same way that he loved Zara. But he did love Izzie and he knew that his relationship with Izzie was hugely dependent on Lisa.
“I’ll be home soon” he said softly. Thinking of the tiny baby in the incubator who would be left alone and the beautiful little girl tucked up in bed waiting for him to kiss her goodnight and read her a bedtime story.
“I’ll tell Izzie she’ll see you soon” and in that moment Daniel knew that he couldn’t let Izzie down but even then he couldn’t explain the intense pang of guilt that hit him.
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Post by Katrina on Mar 19, 2011 21:31:04 GMT 1
Thank you for any comments
Part 9
“You’re still here?” Zara said softly when she finally awoke from a strange sleep hours later. She had turned her head to find Julia seated in a chair next to the bed, dozing slightly. The older woman looked crumpled and tired but upon hearing Zara talk she bolted up right suddenly alert.
“Are you alright?” She asked, feeling almost immediately how inadequate her words were. But she didn’t know how to continue on. Instead she gave Zara a soft smile before rubbing slightly at her eyes. She had been at this hospital for so many hours and yet something was stopping her from leaving. Zara nodded her head slightly.
“I can’t believe your still here” Zara said again and this time Julia heard what she said properly. She raised a hand a raked it through her hair which was stood at odd angles thanks to how she had been sleeping in the chair.
“I wanted to make sure there was a familiar face here when you woke up” she said finally. She hated the idea that Zara would wake up alone in the hospital with the realisation of what had happened to her. Julia had no idea how a person would deal with news like Zara had received – especially without a really close support network. Zara nodded as if understanding.
“What happened?” She asked quietly, her mind still slightly hazy. She knew that doctors had given her something but she couldn’t quite remember what only that it had made her sleepy. Sedation. The word edged its way in to her brain. But she couldn’t quite grasp why she would have needed sedation. Her mind was still at that point when it hadn’t fully woken up and her memory hadn’t fully kicked in yet. She remembered emotions. Lots of them tumbling out of her but she couldn’t work out why. A flood of embarrassment washed through her as she wondered what sort of spectacle she had been and if Julia or any of her other colleagues had seen her that way. She watched as an expression of horror flickered briefly over Julia’s face which was soon replaced by a look of sadness. She had seen that look before. Surgery. The word slipped in unbidden and she felt the tug of stitches as sensation returned. She had had surgery to deliver her Beth. But she knew that wasn’t it. There was a different feeling emptiness when she had expected to have felt fuller than ever now she was a mother. Her mind struggled against the returning knowledge. It’s protective barriers breaking down slowly. Hysterectomy. The word came finally. The sadness welled deep in her and she felt tears prickling in her eyes again.
“Do you want the doctor to talk to you again?” Julia asked feeling out of her depth entirely. She watched as Zara’s mind worked against her unsure of what to do to help her. When Zara had been out of it, it had been easier to care for her and to comfort her but now she knew there was consciousness there and with it came awkwardness.
“No, no” Zara whispered the word but it came out strangely. There was forcefulness there but also a vulnerability. Julia nodded knowing that the brief respite from knowledge had passed and that Zara once again had to deal with things.
“Alright. Do you want to talk?” Julia asked still feeling unsure. She didn’t really know if she would be able to offer any words of support but she also knew that talking might be able to offer her a way of working through her feelings.
“I need Beth” Zara said without even acknowledging what Julia had said. There was a real desperation in her words and Julia felt even worse but she gave a small sort of uncommitted nod as if that would satisfy her colleague.
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Post by Katrina on Mar 22, 2011 23:15:50 GMT 1
Part 10
Zara may have been weak in body but she was still strong minded. But it was still hours until she was finally given the ok to visit her daughter. By the time a nurse finally managed to get her in to a wheelchair still attached to a drip and with a portable monitor by her side her daughter was 2 days old. The pain from moving between the bed and the chair had almost been too much for Zara but she had bitten down hard on her lip and forced herself to be strong for her daughter – because Beth was the only thing getting her through. As she was pushed through the hospital wards with Julia by her side, she felt excitement and fear building up within her in equal measures. Julia gave her hand a squeeze as if sensing the feelings inside her. For a moment Zara felt annoyance at the woman who had already seen her daughter. That someone else had been the first person to see her precious daughter and to watch her chest rising and falling.
“We’re here” the nurse whose name Zara couldn’t recall announced as they came to a stop in front of the closed doors of the SCBU unit. The doors opened in front of her and Zara took a deep breath as if to prepare herself. It was Chloe who greeted Zara and she offered Julia a smile.
“It’s good to see you Ms Carmichael” Chloe greeted her with a warm enthusiasm. She looked at Zara and gave her one of her brightest smiles. “Your little girl is in bay 3. You’ve just missed your lovely man” She said before having to dash off in the direction of a buzzer which was going off. Zara pondered her words about a lovely man for a second before pushing the thought of her head as the wheelchair began to move again in the direction of bay 3.
Zara felt herself gasp as she caught sight of her tiny daughter still surrounded by the multitude of wires and tubes with the bleeping and whirring of machines and monitors all around her. She looked to her like one of those perfect miniature baby dolls she had seen in a catalogue once. Beth, to her, was fair to beautiful to be real and yet she could see her tiny chest rising and falling.
“She’s beautiful” The nurse said. Zara had almost forgotten that there was anyone other than her and Beth here. Her world suddenly seemed to have shrunk so as to only contain the two of them. She reached out a hand towards the incubator – the closest she could get to touching her daughter from the chair.
“Zara?” Julia spoke softly, almost concerned that Zara hadn’t yet spoken. She was watching the baby herself. She had almost expected Daniel to still be here but then she knew he had his life at home with Lisa and Isobel and besides which she wasn’t sure how Zara would have reacted to him being here. She was glad that Zara hadn’t made any mention of what the nurse had said about a man being here.
“I can’t believe she’s real” Zara said softly, her eyes welling up with tears. She had waited so long for this moment that it almost seemed overwhelming. After years of waiting to be a mother here was the baby she had longed for. But this was far from what she had imagined and dreamed of. She had had images of herself lying elegantly in a hospital bed with the baby nestled against her chest while her husband or partner sat beside her beaming and taking photographs of his perfect family.
“My little Beth” Zara whispered, wishing she could run her fingers over the outline of her daughters face. She felt Julia rest a hand on her shoulder but she didn’t mind it. “my beautiful baby girl” she felt the tears spilling out over her cheek as she spoke the words. “you don’t know how long I’ve waited to meet you but Beth but oh my your here and you’re so tiny and so perfect and so beautiful and your mine. Your really mine and I love you so much” as Zara spoke Julia felt emotion rising in her throat and she struggled to contain it. This moment was so personal that she felt like an intruder and almost as if reading each others thought both she and the nurse stepped away from the mother and daughter giving them their first moment alone together.
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