Post by Katrina on Sept 21, 2005 19:20:56 GMT 1
just got these from my cousin, some are funny and some are down right stupid but never mind
Funny Book Titles
40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont
50 years in the saddle by Major Asburn
A Bestiary of Plant Eaters: Herb Avore
A Great Plenty by E. Nuf
A Stitch in Time by Justin Case
Advanced Maths by Smart E. Pants
Allegiance To The King: Neil Downe
Ambulance Driving: Adam Muhway
April Fool! by Sue Prize
Archery: Beau N. Arrow
Armed Heists by Robin Banks
Back Row Of The Orchestra: Clara Nett
Baseball Tales by Homer
Blonde Hair by Bim Bow
Body Parts by Anne Atomy
Boy Scout's Handbook: Casey Needzit
Bring to the Grocer's by R. List
Candle-Vaulting by Jack B. Nimble
Carpet Fitting: Walter Wall
Children's Songbook: Skip Tumalu
Chinese Apathy: Hu Cares
Circle Perimiter: Sir Cumference
Cloning by Irma Dubble II
My Seventh Husband: Ivana Newhouse
Rapunzel, Rapunzel!: Harris Long
Shhh!: Danielle Soloud
Songs For Children: Barbara Blacksheep
Still Looking For My Heart: Sam Francisco
Strong Winds: Gail Force
Stunned Over Christmas: Holly Daze
Surprised! by Omar Gosh
Swimming in the Arctic: I. C. Waters
Teenagers Of The '50's: Bobbie Sox
The Telltale Heart: Stefi Scope
The Twelfth Month: Dee Sember
The Unknown Rodent by A. Nonny Mouse
Things To Do At Parties: Bob Frapples
Those Funny Dogs by Joe Kur
Trim Those Sideburns Too?: Buzz Cutt
Tug of War by Paul Hard
Uninteresting Road Signs: Bill Bored
Unsolved Mysteries by N. Igma
Volunteer's Guidebook: Linda Hand
Waiting in Line for the Bathroom by Ivana Tinkle
Waste Dumps by I. Saw
Whatchamacallit! by Thingum Bob
Where's the Toilet by Ivona Tinkle
Who Killed Cock Robin? by Howard I. Know
Stupid Instructions
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Apraisals
These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."
These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
I will search for the Jack Schitt and Sunday School one later
Funny Book Titles
40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont
50 years in the saddle by Major Asburn
A Bestiary of Plant Eaters: Herb Avore
A Great Plenty by E. Nuf
A Stitch in Time by Justin Case
Advanced Maths by Smart E. Pants
Allegiance To The King: Neil Downe
Ambulance Driving: Adam Muhway
April Fool! by Sue Prize
Archery: Beau N. Arrow
Armed Heists by Robin Banks
Back Row Of The Orchestra: Clara Nett
Baseball Tales by Homer
Blonde Hair by Bim Bow
Body Parts by Anne Atomy
Boy Scout's Handbook: Casey Needzit
Bring to the Grocer's by R. List
Candle-Vaulting by Jack B. Nimble
Carpet Fitting: Walter Wall
Children's Songbook: Skip Tumalu
Chinese Apathy: Hu Cares
Circle Perimiter: Sir Cumference
Cloning by Irma Dubble II
My Seventh Husband: Ivana Newhouse
Rapunzel, Rapunzel!: Harris Long
Shhh!: Danielle Soloud
Songs For Children: Barbara Blacksheep
Still Looking For My Heart: Sam Francisco
Strong Winds: Gail Force
Stunned Over Christmas: Holly Daze
Surprised! by Omar Gosh
Swimming in the Arctic: I. C. Waters
Teenagers Of The '50's: Bobbie Sox
The Telltale Heart: Stefi Scope
The Twelfth Month: Dee Sember
The Unknown Rodent by A. Nonny Mouse
Things To Do At Parties: Bob Frapples
Those Funny Dogs by Joe Kur
Trim Those Sideburns Too?: Buzz Cutt
Tug of War by Paul Hard
Uninteresting Road Signs: Bill Bored
Unsolved Mysteries by N. Igma
Volunteer's Guidebook: Linda Hand
Waiting in Line for the Bathroom by Ivana Tinkle
Waste Dumps by I. Saw
Whatchamacallit! by Thingum Bob
Where's the Toilet by Ivona Tinkle
Who Killed Cock Robin? by Howard I. Know
Stupid Instructions
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Apraisals
These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."
These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
I will search for the Jack Schitt and Sunday School one later
