JOKE CONTEST !!!

[lemonpig]

Am I the only one to find that the board needs to be livened up ?
We agree. So how about we have a little joke contest ? ;D
I think I should go first...


How do you build a flea circus ?
You have to start from scratch !


Feel free to post as many as you want.

[Katrina]

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker & got chatting. He told her he was a Fisherman's Friend. She told him her name was Polo (the one with the 'hole')
They decided to go for a drink in Yorkie Bar on Quality Street. He had Rum & Butter & she had a Wine Gum.
During their drinks & small talk he touched her Milky Way.
After several drinks they noticed that it was After Eight so they booked a hotel room for the night.
After settling in, Mr Cadbury turned the lights off for a bit of Black Magic!
Ms Rowntree said I shouldnt do this sort of thing until i have an All Gold Ring on my finger.
He gently wooed her & soon was slipping his hand inside her Snickers where he fondled her Cream Egg & Flap Jacks!
After a while he was able to push a couple of Kit Kat fingers into her Diary Box.
All excited, she un-zipped him & pulled out his Curly Wourly & gently squeezed his Tic Tacs.
They then both did a Twirl, he Munchied on her Pink Wafers & had a Sherbet Dip. She had a Gobstopper.
Things progressed & as she wasn’t too keen to have any Jelly Babies, Ms Rowntree let him put his Curly Wurly up her Bourneville boulevard.
This pleased Mr Cadbury because he’d always fancied a bit of Fudge.
She squealed with Turkish Delight & afterwards watched as he pulled his Fun Sized Mars Bar that was a bit Crunchie!
Flake’d out after their Marathon love making session, Ms Rowntree asked for some Time Out so they could have some refreshments.
Mr Cadbury rang for some room service & as a Treet ordered a Picnic & as a surprise he also ordered a bouquet of Roses.
The room service was serviced by the maid, Elizabeth Shaw. Inviting her to wait whilst they ate, Mr Cadbury the invited Elizabeth Shaw to stay for a Trio.
Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Allsorts!!!

[PamA]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

`I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
'Because he lives in a clock!'

[Star]

Hey great jokes!

[Bella]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home enjoying a beer when there's a knock at the door. He opens it to find a little Chinese man waving a clipboard.
"You sign... you sign..." the Chinese man says. Nelson Mandela looks past him and sees a truck full of car exhausts parts.
"No.. no... you've got the wrong guy," Nelson explains and closes the door.
The next afternoon, Nelson Mandela is enjoying a beer when there's another knock at the door. Again, he opens it to find the same Chinese man waving a clipboard. Nelson looks past him and sees the same truck, this time full of car tyres.
"You sign... you sign..." says the Chinese man.
"No. Look... I told you yesterday. You've got the wrong house... the wrong guy..." Nelson insists and closes the door.
The next afternoon, Nelson Mandela is again enjoying a beer when again, there is a knock at the door... and there's the same Chinese man waving the same clipboard. This time, the truck is full of car batteries.
"You sign... you sign..."
This time, Nelson is annoyed. "Look... how many times do I have to tell you... you've got the wrong house... wrong guy... and I'm fed up with you turning up at my house... I don't want to see you again... do you understand?"
The little Chinese man looks totally puzzled. "Ah so.." he says, finally. "So.... you not Nissan Main Dealer...?"

[crazyfrog]

Lol, good jokes, everyone ;D

I have used this one before on here but, oh well, I can't think of another one right well and it was ages ago anyway:

Three women die and go to heaven. St Michael meets them at the door and says to them "Right you can do whatever you like here but there's just one rule: do not step on the ducks, whatever you do, never step on the ducks or you will be punished."

So the three women go in and there's ducks everywhere! Its incredibly hard not to step on them!

Eventually one of the women steps on a duck and immediately St Michael appears with a very ugly man. He chains the ugly man to the woman and says, "this is your punishment, to be chained to this man for eternity!"

A few days later the second woman also steps on a duck and the same thing happens to her. St Michael appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the woman.

But the third woman is extremely careful, weeks and weeks go by and she doesn't step on a duck. Suddenly, one day St Michael appears with a very, very goodlooking man. The woman is really confused and she asks "Is this a punishment or a reward, or what?"

The goodlooking man replies "well, I don't know about you but I just stepped on a duck!"

[lemonpig]

True story

A friend of mine has received the following text message:

Congratulations from www.thesweetshop.co.uk !
You have won the weight of your brain in sweets. To collect your Tic-Tac please contact us at www.thickasshit.co.uk

[Katrina]

These jokes are fab - they definately made me smile (although I really should be getting on with work rather than using the college PCs for coming on here) . I will have to search some more out jokes out myself later

[eccles]

They've banned "The Flinstones" in the middle East because the residents of Dubai don't understand the humour, but the residents of Abu Dabi do.......

[lara]

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' [/b][/i] came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME! .'