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Post by lemonpig on Mar 3, 2009 20:28:22 GMT 1
19 Irish men go to the movies and the lady asks:
"Why so many of you?"
And one replies:
"The film said over 18 only!"
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Post by lara on Mar 10, 2009 23:42:03 GMT 1
If you are at work, cover your mouth, you WILL laugh out loud!! [/b] In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
"Sir", she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist..... He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN 
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Post by lemonpig on Aug 25, 2009 15:21:31 GMT 1
A selection of short jokes. ;D
Who was the fattest mummy ever?
Two Ton Carmen.
Why are burglars such good tennis players?
Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts.
Teacher: give me a sentence with the word politics in it
Child: my parrot swallowed an alarm clock and now polly ticks.
Teacher: what was Richard the Third's middle name?
Child: the.
Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
Why did the lobster blush ?
Because the seaweed.
What do a lawyer and sperm have in common ?
One in fifteen millions has a chance to become a human being.
Why don’t oysters give to charity ?
Because they’re shelfish !
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Post by babyduck on Aug 25, 2009 22:09:13 GMT 1
I've only just found this thread. Some wonderful jokes. LP, I like this one of yours the best Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies. |
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Post by lemonpig on Aug 25, 2009 22:12:15 GMT 1
I've only just found this thread. Some wonderful jokes. LP, I like this one of yours the best Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies. ;D ;D ;D It's an oldish thread. The board could really do with some funny posts, so here we go again. ;D Post loads of jokes everyone!  |
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Post by PamA on Aug 25, 2009 22:20:41 GMT 1
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his
back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified,the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and
poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. To be sure to be sure.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and my sincere apologies.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want
... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a
bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want
to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous
golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me,
how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all!!? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
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Post by babyduck on Aug 25, 2009 22:26:06 GMT 1
brilliant!
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Post by claudevaquez on Aug 27, 2009 0:27:53 GMT 1
OK so this is probably the cleanest joke I know.
An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are lost in the Desert they find an abandoned house. Starving hungry they search the house for food.
The Englishman goes into a room and finds a peanut butter sandiwch, just as he is about to bite into it a voice booms out " Do not eat my sandwich" He is so scared he screams and jumps out of the window.
Alerted to this the Scottishman came in and saw the same sandwich again as he tried to take a bite a voice boomed out "Do not eat my sandwich" the man jumped out of the window.
At this point the Irishman comes in to see what the noise is, he eats the sandwich and as he is licking his lips a voice booms out "I warned you once, I warned you twice I wiped my bum between that slice!"
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Post by babyduck on Aug 28, 2009 23:30:02 GMT 1
 I can never remember jokes, so have cheated a bit & copied the 10 best jokes from this years Edinburgh Festival: The Top 10 funniest jokes from the Fringe Festival 1) Dan Antopolski – "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" 2) Paddy Lennox – "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'" 3) Sarah Millican – "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong." 4) Zoe Lyons – "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West." 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending." 6) Adam Hills – "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." 7) Marcus Brigstocke – "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!" 8) Rhod Gilbert – "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble". 9) Dan Antopolski – "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't." 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
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Post by lagunagander on Sept 12, 2009 14:07:31 GMT 1
I'm no good at jokes, but I love Tommy Cooper's.
Two blondes walk into a building.........You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message; '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’
‘ Is it common? ‘
‘Well, It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'Why? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great; the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu... But I think its Colin.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'
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I can never remember jokes, so have cheated a bit & copied the 10 best jokes from this years Edinburgh Festival: